DEAR CRAIGSLIST,

Oh, how do I love your For Sale listings?  Let me count the ways.

1.  This was in “furniture.”  It’s called a St. Andrews’ Cross.  There are wrist and ankle restraints at each pinnacle of the X.  Does someone strap into this and watch Dancing With the Stars?  The caveat that it is “for novelty use only” is equally enlightening.  Don’t try to make your basement into a real dungeon!  

I might be scarred for life.  OMG Y’ALL I WAS ONLY LOOKING FOR A CHAISE.

2.  The guy in Collectibles who claims he is looking for obsolete police badges “JUST AS COLLECTORS ITEMS.”  Mmm-hmmm.  Suuuuure.

3.  Elk horns.  Artfully arranged with several firearms for authenticity, although “GUN’S NOT FOR SALE JUST FOR DECORATION.”  The seller claims the elk was “harvested” (ew!) by the guy who played Gomer Pyle.  That’s a lot of sh!t going on right there, people.   You would be crazy to pass that up for $200.  (Provided you’re brave enough to actually go to this guy’s house, that is.)

4.  An empty apple cider bottle.  Is this a thing?  Can I start selling my empty orange juice cartons and sh!t on Craigslist?

5.  The Money Chamber.  Look, I’ll pay $5,000 for this if the money comes with it.

6.  Cemetery plots.  I’m a little grossed out by the number of people selling plots on Craigslist.  I mean, what?  Did you change your mind about dying? 

Tips for sellers:

• Do not type in all caps.  If you type in all caps I imagine you raving and drooling as you try to unload your old crap.  WHADDYA MEAN DONTCHA WANT THIS VINTAGE 1970s HUCKLEBERRY HOUND RADIO IT IS IN PERFECT CONDITION AND STILL IN THE BOX AND I ONLY WANT TWENTY LOUSY F*CKING BUCKS FOR IT AND MAYBE I’M HIDING IN YOUR BUSHES RIGHT NOW.  MAYBE.
• Nobody wants to go through your old shed/garage/attic.  Don’t try to foist your housekeeping off on unsuspecting Interneters.  I cannot imagine the person dumb enough to respond favorably to an ad like that.  “Oh, awesome!  Yeah, I’ll come to your house in the middle of a field fifty miles from the nearest police station.  Clean out your basement?  Sure!  I bet you have some cool vintage stu—hey, are those manacles?  What are you doing with that wet rag?  Mmmf *thunk*”
• Do your research and do not underestimate people.  I mean, MAYBE there is someone who wants your 1973 Jim Croce album badly enough to pay $20 for it, but your odds aren’t good.  I’m just saying. 
• To the guy selling the “Original WW2 German Kriegmarine Overcoat wool eagle” who wants someone to make him an offer, I’ve got one for you:  I’m offering up that it’s creepy as f*ck to collect Nazi memorabilia.  You’re welcome.
• If you’re selling replicas of firearms of famous people, learn how to spell their names.  It took me a good thirty seconds to figure out what you meant by “White Erp’s guns,” and another thirty minutes to stop laughing.

And lastly, I have found the perfect Christmas gift for my husband.  Who doesn’t like slightly used naked-lady playing cards??